


Whatever You Say

by kuonji



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7397062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"Hotcakes thinks there's something wrong with me."  </em>Only SG-1.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever You Say

**Author's Note:**

> Orig. Posted 2008.08.17
> 
> Alternative Links:  
> <http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/17842.html>

"Could you give me a ride home, babe?"

Jack turned very slowly towards the speaker, tilted his head forward, and said, "What?"

"I said, could you give me a ride home? Hit-and-run with the nut in the hatchback, remember? My car's still in the shop." Daniel looked more preoccupied than anything else, peering into his locker as he rummaged through the top shelf.

"No, no, I heard that part." Jack twirled a finger in illustration. "I meant after that."

"What?" Daniel pulled out a belt, finally, and it was unfortunate that Jack was watching him thread it through his open pants when he heard the archaeologist say, "Now you're confusing me, sexy."

Jack scratched his head and stared for a moment as he considered his response. Deliberately making his tone as mild as humanly possible, he said, "It's just that, I don't think you've ever called me that before."

Daniel looked up. "I've never called you 'hotlips' before?" he asked with clearly sarcastic patience.

"Ah, not that either, no."

"Well, see, that's really strange, because it was my impression that I've been calling you that for the last five years or so. Oh, wait." Daniel's face collapsed in a scrunched look of disgust. "This is about the Minoens, isn't it?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, please, just because your name happens to mean a dog's genitals in--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is not about the Minoens." Though that did give Jack a thought. He pointed at Daniel. "We're going to the infirmary. Something's wrong with you."

"What?"

Jack put his hands on his hips. "Say my name."

Daniel raised an eyebrow and Jack could see his stubbornness congealing around his forehead area. "On second thought, let's just go." He hooked Daniel around the shoulders and dragged him toward the elevators.

He winced as they tromped down the airman-filled aisles with Daniel protesting at the top of his lungs, "Beefcaaaaaaake!"

***

"So what seems to be the problem?" Dr. Frasier stood between the two crossed-armed members of SG-1. Her demeanor was losing patience. Jack nudged Daniel unsubtly. Daniel glared at Jack.

"Hotcakes thinks there's something wrong with me," he said.

"There!" Jack shouted. "See?"

Frasier and Daniel stared at Jack with identical looks of confusion.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

Daniel's look was triumphant. "I think he's hearing things," he confided to Frasier in a carrying sotto voce.

Jack scowled. "I am not hearing things."

"The years are catching up with him."

"The years are not... _You're_ the one going wonky every time you say my name."

"Hm. Define 'wonky'," Frasier said, pulling out her ever-present penlight.

Jack hesitated. "Uh, he says my name, but what comes out is... not my name."

Daniel's eyebrows were skeptical. He heaved a sigh and patted Jack on the shoulder.

"Look, this has been fun, creampuff, but I need to get home."

Jack pointed accusingly. "He did it again!"

"Colonel, I think we had better do a brain scan. If you would come with me, please."

"Okay, fine. But if I have to get my brain x-rayed, so does Daniel."

Daniel's whipped back around, his face blank. "What?"

"I said I'm not getting my noggin examined unless you are, too."

"No, I mean... What did you call me?"

Jack stared.

Daniel stared.

Then the lightbulb switched on for both of them.

Daniel held up one hand in hasty pre-emption. "Okay, I see why... I mean, you don't have to--"

But Jack crossed his arms and let it roll: "How's your hearing, _Daniel_? The years starting to show on you, _Daniel_? Hey, _Daniel_ , did you still want me to give you a ride tonight? Eh, _Daniel_?"

Daniel's face grew steadily redder. "Okay, you can stop that now. It's disturbing."

"Aw, I'm just showing you some appreciation. _Daniel_."

Frasier, who had stopped to murmur to one of her nurses, turned back to them with stethoscope in hand. "All right, you two," she said briskly. "Tell me what you're experiencing."

That shut them up. Jack clapped his mouth closed, watching Daniel fidget at the edge of his vision.

"Um. What sugar-- What _he_ said." Daniel pointed a thumb in Jack's direction.

Frasier's eyebrows were reaching for orbit. She made a show of studying the notes on her clipboard. "So he says your name, but what you hear is not your name."

"Yup." Daniel's head bobbed earnestly.

"May I ask what you _do_ hear?"

"Um. Is that important?"

"I'd say that it's relevant."

Luckily, this little tete-a-tete was interrupted by a familiar, looming presence.

"Teal'c! Buddy! Grab a seat."

Teal'c gave him a strange look. "That is a most unusual term of address, sweetcheeks."

Jack's smile wobbled. "Uh-oh." Daniel rolled his eyes ceilingwards. Frasier frowned.

"Teal'c, aside from just now, have you experienced anything odd when other people say your name?"

Teal'c turned an unwavering look on Jack. "No."

"Well, it's starting to look like it might be a localized phenomenon. Did you touch anything unusual on your last mission off-world? SG-1 just got back this morning, correct?"

"Yeah." Jack shrugged. "Soil samples were the usual stuff. No contact with animals. No people around. Saw a cool temple, though."

Daniel had sat up straight at the word 'temple'. "Oh, uh, I might have an idea."

Jack glared. "You said it was abandoned. Defunct. Zippo. Teal'c and I walked all around the damn thing, and there were barely two walls left standing, much less technology."

"Right. But remember the oscillating energy signature Sam was talking about?"

"I thought she said it was a glitch."

"What if it wasn't? What if we just discharged whatever energy it had left? Teal'c said he--"

"Please desist in using my name. I find it most unsettling."

Daniel paled, then reddened again. "Ah. Right. Sorry."

"What's going on?" The bright, worried voice of Jack's 2IC hurried in to the conversation just in time. Carter looked around anxiously at their small congregation. "I was paged for a possible medical situation."

Frasier stepped forward, taking her heartrate as she spoke. "Daniel, Colonel O'Neill, and Teal'c are all experiencing an aural anomaly. It's possible that it has to do with your last mission, in which case, you may be suffering from it, too."

"What sort of anomaly?"

Frasier threw her arms in the air. "I don't know. They won't tell me."

The room fell silent while the two women glared at the three men.

Jack did a quick threat assessment. There was himself, Carter's commanding officer and known for occasional pranks. Teal'c, former first prime and ever of the painfully gentlemanly mien. And then Daniel, sweet geek-in-arms and accommodating do-gooder. "Go ahead," he said, gesturing at Daniel with his chin.

"Huh? Me?" Daniel looked around. Both Teal'c and Frasier were looking to him as well. "Hey!"

Carter copied their gazes, zeroing in on the guy who was most likely to give her answers. "What's going on?"

"Well, er, here's the thing." Daniel looked around at them for support. "Something's causing us to hear things."

"What sort of things?"

"Well, remember that passage on the temple wall that referred to the importance of a person's name?"

"Vaguely, sure."

"Apparently, we've been, uh, I guess 'cursed' isn't exactly the word..."

"Daniel, spit it out."

Daniel winced, and Jack wondered with intense curiosity what he had heard Carter call him.

"When we say each other's names, we hear, um, not our names." Jack elbowed him and he stumbled on. "For instance, if I were to say your name, you might hear... _Sam_."

Carter's mouth dropped open. She stared at Daniel, then around at the rest of them. Frasier shrugged. "Don't look at me. I only heard him say 'Sam'."

Carter stared hard at them all, apparently ascertaining whether she was the butt of a spectacular joke. Finally, she sighed. "Isolation room?"

"I'm afraid so. At least until we figure out the cause."

"There goes the weekend."

"Indeed."

Daniel just massaged his temples without a word.

Jack looked around at their downcast faces. He rubbed his hands together. "Okay, kids. Who's up for a round of the name game?"

  
END.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:  
>      [Heart Begone](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/15257.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>      [I Don't Know Him](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/10083.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>      [Call Me Mr. X-Ray](http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/405552.html) (Stargate Atlantis), by kuonji  
>      [Foxtrot on P8X-682](http://what-works.livejournal.com/35507.html) (Stargate SG-1), by theemdash  
>      [Curiosity Froze the Cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/954788) (Stargate SG-1), by Karen T  
> 


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